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I'd felt used up before, not ever knowing exactly how that felt. I was on a thin line. Depression and unbidden, dark, troublesome thoughts often entered my mind, thoughts that I had talked to my doctor about. She pushed for me to take some drugs for that... but I felt I needed to feel this pain... for a while at least. To make sure I remembered just what I had thrown away.It was a dangerous game I was playing with myself then. One that could end up with me dead and gone. I walked that line, the edges of it drawing me in and out many times a day. I thought deep down that if I lost John forever, I would rather be out of my misery than have to face myself each day.When John called me that night, having gotten back from his vacation, I was surprised. That night too, I'd been depressed. I thought that he was about to cut me loose. I thought I had finally lost my John forever. He was going to take me out in a public place, then dump me.I slept roughly the night before, nightmare after. I had always imagined her with another guy but never brought it up because I wasn't sure if I really wanted her to go through with it but seeing her like this was making me hard and think about her sneaking off with some guy.One of my buddies snapped me out of my fantasy by asking me if I wanted to go smoke outside so I said yes and followed him out. We came back in about a half an hour later and when I tried to find my baby she was no where to be found.I started getting worried and excited wondering if I was about to find her being a slut. I walked upstairs to the brother's rooms and tried to listen for any moaning when I heard "fuck I'm so wet for you guys!"I rushed over to a door slightly ajar and pushed it open alittle more so I could look inside.What I saw hit me like a tracker trailer. There was a beautiful princess getting underdressed in front of 5 of the biggest black guys I had ever seen! I knew one of them was a frat brother and I had heard he ran with a rough gang so I.
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